9/17/16

Well, shit. Hillary Clinton's not the only one hiding dirty secrets about her health. I'm sitting at my desk with wads of Kleenex under my arms and some damn baby powder on my temples. I'm working on a word document. The family doctor told me to write whatever I want and he'll put it on company letterhead and sign it.

Now, it appears I have a choice, monkeys. Originally, this was supposed to get me off of work for a few days. But seeing how things worked out for Clinton, I might just go the Trump route and give myself a clean bill of health. You know, to bolster my dominance if shit goes way downhill later this week.

Saturday felt like a bad hangover. This confused me because Friday night I never went to bed. Sure, I might have been sweating, but I was at the club, and I was up to my usual shenanigans. But I even ate some soup in the afternoon, which is old people food. I guess that was when I admitted defeat.

Yesterday I spent a couple of hours looking in the mirror trying to will myself to look normal, like some kind of color changing lizard. I pulled the Shake Weight out of the liquor cabinet and I could barely even hold it, let alone harness the power of its dynamic inertia. I poured myself a whiskey, no creatine (that's how you know it's bad) and got in the bathtub for the rest of the day.

I caught up on Stranger Things. Then I fell asleep on the bathroom floor like a sorority girl. I called my doctor and asked him if he'd do me a favor in exchange for Knicks season tickets. He said "The Knicks can eat shit, just write what you want me to sign." Good man.

Today is a fever dream. I am here at work because instead of finishing the doctor's note last night, I barfed in the sink and cocooned myself in blankets and sweat until six am, whereupon I went to the gym and sat on the weight bench drinking water.

Cool, I'm adhering to the routine. I'm good to go to work, look at me crushing it. Yep. I'm feeling normal. Why am I crying? I dunno, it's involuntary. I guess allergies. Or pollution? Or onions. I dunno, man. Sunday was 9/11 and we're in New York. Why AREN'T you crying?

You guys work sick, right? It'd be a total pussy move to go home right now. It's getting kinda close to lunch. I can have an Adderall nap. People are looking at me a little weird but they can't prove shit. Fuck 'em. If anyone asks, I'm the healthiest individual ever hired to work here. According to my doctor.

Comments (21)

9/13/16

love it. and yes, I work sick, but only from home, I hate when fuckers come in and infect the rest of the office.

"The four most dangerous words in investing are: 'this time it's different.'" - Sir John Templeton

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9/13/16

Best advice if you're raging fat on a week night. Set an alarm 45 minutes before you want to wakeup, take an Adderall, go back to sleep. Wake up on as fuck ready to slay the day. Cheers

9/17/16

cool and tough

"We listen, if it feels good we shake."
"This town is nuts, my kind of place."
-WSMFP

9/13/16

Microdose pre-workout throughout the day - you'll be fine

Move like lions do.

9/13/16

You may be sick, but you'll never be Hillary Clinton level sick..

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9/13/16

Yeah I work sick. No way around it unless you have cancer or something. Pretty much always give it a shot going in for appearances sake and then go home early.

Best Response
9/14/16

Always go in and leave by noon it shows you aren't a pussy. However I do agree with not going in and getting everyone infected, especially in open office spaces. So if you have been in your job for less than 2 years go in after that you can call in, but you have to work from home.

Best sick cure.

1) Neti Pot with saline several times a day
2) Eat those Zinc tablets like they are candy. Instruction read take 1 tablet every 4 hours, bs, 1 tablet every hour
3) Gargle with listerine let that get all they way in the back of your throat.
4) Pedialiate mixed with water by the gallon

9/14/16

Mostly agree. Not always necessary but.... wear a hoodie, get in before everyone else, say 'yeah i have some mission critical stuff i have to send asap to keep this thing on track' or whatever bs you wanna say, leave around 10:30 or whatever time the last guy shows up so everyone knows you're there.

Then go home, turn the heat on, sweat that shit out right through your sheets until it's dripping on your floor, gatorade, salt and water gargle, mouthwash, 2 showers, change sheets (you should have 3 sets), netflix, soup, dont beat it, water, coconut water, vitamins, and broth. call your mother, say a prayer, take some sleeping pills immediately after dinner and return to work the next day.

9/14/16

Why do you need to sweat?

9/14/16
9/17/16

9/17/16

How sick?

Usually, I just suck it up and keep working.

I mean if you're SUPER sick call in sick. Otherwise don't be a pussy and just go to work.

9/18/16

DayQuil and generally an allergy medication + coffee solves 99.9% of issues. Just let work know I am semi-sick but work through it. 8 hours fly by quick.

If it's something contagious, I still show up to get my bosses sick for shits and giggles, then leave to work at home.

9/18/16

whatever you do, dont go in, announce that you are sick, and then stay.

9/19/16

Savage post

9/20/16

I'll work from home if I am sick. But a few weeks ago when trying to work, I realized that my productivity had dropped to practically 0%. Put in for PTO and gave in. I needed the rest, don't be afraid to take some time off especially if you are performing against daily / weekly metrics where you now look like shit and could possibly harm your overall team's goals.

...

9/21/16

If you are visibly sick (coughing, sneezing, runny nose, look like crap, etc.) then stay home. Nobody will think you're tough by coming in when you're sick. They'll just think you're an asshole by coming in and potentially getting everybody else sick too. Don't be so insecure about your station in life that you can't take a day or two off when you're actually sick.

9/21/16

For that yellow throat crap you cough up, I just pack a speedball of Redman and Big League Chew. Watch the buzz ease over your headache and facilitate the crap that comes out without sounding like you're on your last breath.

9/22/16

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9/27/16

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9/29/16