3/8/18

So I've had this hunch for a while and wanted to get others thoughts. Before you think I'm crazy and sleep deprived just look at the evidence I am about to bestow upon you all.

Over the past year I've been growing suspicious that my MD is a vampire... There are several reasons that have begun to bring me to this conclusion, which I have included, below:

(i) I have never seen him sleep and his email correspondence does not leave gaps in which one could conclude that he sleeps (e.g. emails all day with no major gaps in correspondence
(ii) I've noticed a direct correlation that the more well rested the junior bankers are the more his skin has a slightly grey-ish tone to it (e.g. could he be sustaining his immortality on our suffering? Just proposing the question here...)
(iii) I have never seen him walk past a mirror nor do we have any in the office, which seems odd no?
(iv) He was a major banker (think head of IB at elite boutique) and had over 30 yrs of experience and MBA but looks as if he is late 30s. Yet no look of any cosmetic procedures having been completed. Couple with the fact that there are never doctor appointments this portends to an almost ageless effect of the stressful nature of the job which seems dubious at best.
(v) He will consistently wear sunglasses outside even if it is not sunny. Anecdotally, he seems to heavily prefer the indoors.

Now I have no evidence for this, but I believe he could have a blood boy...

In light of these finds, I have bought garlic pills to begin taking, but I'm not sure if I should also keep some in my desk to avoid Friday evening fire drills...

Thoughts?

Comments (17)

3/3/18

Report your suspicions to HR. They should be alerted.

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3/3/18

I'm concerned about potential retaliation... I'll report back on if the garlic is an effective deterrent. I'm also thinking about bringing a cross to my desk as well, unsure if a metal one will suffice so I'm checking online for wooden variations...

3/3/18

What ethnicity is he?

3/3/18

I'm uncertain, though he could possibly be of jewish origin.

3/3/18

The evidence is incontrovertible.

3/3/18

You're a creature of the night, Michael. Just like out of a comic book. You're a vampire, Michael! My own MD, a goddamn shit-sucking vampire! You wait 'til Mom finds out, buddy!

Best Response
3/3/18

it's called cocaine you moron

3/5/18

Just remember you're safe in your cube as long as you don't invite him in. Would also recommend having your smartwater blessed by a priest, and sharpening a few "extra pencils" just in case. Godspeed @babyygotwacc

3/5/18

Ask him to bite you. You're already his thrall anyway, and 80+ hour weeks won't seem so bad when you're immortal.

3/5/18

What, and take away his one guaranteed release from servitude?

Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.
3/5/18
3/5/18

Vampires are from royal family, that's why they can bring deals, your boss being the head is self-explanatory. Respect the minority

3/5/18
babyygotwacc:

So I've had this hunch for a while and wanted to get others thoughts. Before you think I'm crazy and sleep deprived just look at the evidence I am about to bestow upon you all.

Over the past year I've been growing suspicious that my MD is a vampire... There are several reasons that have begun to bring me to this conclusion, which I have included, below:

(i) I have never seen him sleep and his email correspondence does not leave gaps in which one could conclude that he sleeps (e.g. emails all day with no major gaps in correspondence
(ii) I've noticed a direct correlation that the more well rested the junior bankers are the more his skin has a slightly grey-ish tone to it (e.g. could he be sustaining his immortality on our suffering? Just proposing the question here...)
(iii) I have never seen him walk past a mirror nor do we have any in the office, which seems odd no?
(iv) He was a major banker (think head of IB at elite boutique) and had over 30 yrs of experience and MBA but looks as if he is late 30s. Yet no look of any cosmetic procedures having been completed. Couple with the fact that there are never doctor appointments this portends to an almost ageless effect of the stressful nature of the job which seems dubious at best.
(v) He will consistently wear sunglasses outside even if it is not sunny. Anecdotally, he seems to heavily prefer the indoors.

Now I have no evidence for this, but I believe he could have a blood boy...

In light of these finds, I have bought garlic pills to begin taking, but I'm not sure if I should also keep some in my desk to avoid Friday evening fire drills...

Thoughts?

Call Wesley Snipes.

3/5/18

Based solely on this post and your handle, your talents are wasted in banking -- go get the WSJ to sponsor you as a columnist a la Matt Levine

Life's is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

3/6/18

Dude, you're going to start taking garlic pills, and risk your bonus?!

3/8/18

Just love this thread. Basically sums up my office mood.

3/9/18

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